My Phone Tells You How Important I Am

By Cory Hunt,

This is probably like the best smartphone out there. Look, but don’t touch! There’s a reason this thing is in a holster; it’s dangerous.

Do you realize how much time this holster saves me? It’s at least a quarter of a second every time I use it, which adds up to a lot because I make so many major work calls and close lots of deals. Yeah, your time might not mean much to you, but I’m super busy, so every second counts. You know what they say: time is money.

Also, it doesn’t hurt to wear it on your hip; lets the ladies know what you’re packing. Yeah, it’s pretty amazing.

It looks like I’m in the middle of a crowded, quiet coffee shop, so this should be the perfect time to pop my smartphone out of the holster and make a really loud work phone call.

I think I’ll rant about how someone I work with is totally incompetent.  I’ll tell the person on the other end of the line about how my secretary totally screwed something up, so that everyone in this coffee shop knows that I’m the boss of someone.

That should impress them.

I realize this call could easily be made outside, but I want to make sure that the cashier doesn’t feel human while I grunt my order at her in between “uh-huhs,” then I’ll scowl and shake my head because she takes so long. Doesn’t she know how important I am?! I have places to be!

I think I’ll go to the gym today.

I won’t actually work out. I’m just going to find a spot on the bench press, do one set, then call my buddy Brad. We’ll have a conversation about how drunk we got this weekend. Man, we got so drunk this weekend!

I don’t want people at the gym to think that I’m having a fake conversation, so I’ll just put the whole thing on speakerphone. Even though speakerphone doesn’t require it, I’m going to yell extra loud into my phone to make sure all the chicks around know that those girls at the bar totally wanted us this weekend. The girls at the bar called us douchebags and told is to leave them alone, but I’m pretty sure they were just playing hard to get.

Either way, the chicks at the gym are going to know that other chicks want me, so I’ll probably end up leaving with a couple of numbers.

I’m supposed to meet Brad for a drink after work tonight, but Brad isn’t nearly as fun to talk to in person as he is on the phone. I’ll just set my phone up on the bar to make sure that I don’t miss any work calls. It’s not that I can’t feel it vibrate in the holster, I just want to admire my phone in all its glory while Brad tries to talk to me.

Then a personal call from my work friend, Tom, will come in. I’ll interrupt Brad and say, “Sorry, gotta take this.” Then I’ll call Tom “T-Dog” and laugh loudly at everything he says, just to make sure Brad knows that I have really funny work friends who are more awesome than him.

After a couple of minutes, I’ll pretend like I’m bored talking to T-Dog and shrug my shoulders at Brad and roll my eyes to indicate that T-Dog never shuts up, but I won’t actually make any attempt to get off the phone.

God, this phone is so awesome.

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Posted by on Apr 19 2011. Filed under Humor, SMT Talk. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

3 Comments for “My Phone Tells You How Important I Am”

  1. KR

    This is awesome.

  2. JK

    I just read this on my super awesome phone. Hilarious.

  3. I cant believe how lame this guy is? I hope he’s not serious

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