Time for Kindergarten!

By Cory Hunt, SacMidtown.com

Hello Junior, your parents have asked me to help prepare me for your transition into kindergarten, so that’s exactly what I’m here to do.

First thing, you currently live in a fantasy world. Your parents tell you that you’re special, but you are not. For example, your mom tells me that you love playing with legos and you’re going to be an architect.

First, I don’t care. Second, you’re not going to be an architect. I saw that ball of terribleness you made out of the legos with green, red and yellow mangled together. You know the box showed that as a helicopter? Your creation looked more like a dead cat covered in farts. Also, I hear you still crap your pants. Architects don’t do that. Nobody wants to cross a bridge made by someone who can’t control his bowel movements.

When I was talking to your mom earlier, you kept screaming, “Watch! Watch! Watch how fast I run!” We’ll see how fast you are when there’s a dodgeball flying at your head. Ten bucks says I could kick your ass in a footrace. What’s your 40 time? Nevermind. Doesn’t matter. By the way, that jump over the flowerpot you did during your run was, perhaps, the most unimpressive thing I have ever seen.

Fine, you can show me your run, but only if you shut up about it. Jesus, that’s worst than the first time. You know how your mom says that’s baby fat? It’s flopping around like cheeseburger and pizza fat. And nobody told you to stop jumping over those flowerpots, keep going! Seriously, that’s going to make you cry? Oh man, the 4th graders are going to have fun with you. Get ready to give up your lunch money for the rest of your pathetic life.

Wait, what’s your name? Seriously? Your parents must hate you. Come on, they had to think of all the possible ways that could possibly be made fun of. I can think of at least 12 ways to rhyme your name to make you start bawling, but the kids probably aren’t going to focus on that as much, since you have lots of easier things to tease you about.

By the way, that’s a terrible outfit.  I’m actually pretty tempted to beat you up right now.  No five-year-old should ever wear Dockers.  You realize you don’t have to wear business casual to kindergarten, right?  I didn’t think I could hate your clothes any more…until I saw your LA Lights Shoes.  Those flashing shoes basically serve as an alert to everyone that you’re a giant wiener and they should stay far away from you.  When you get home, do yourself a favor and take those shoes, the Dockers and every Lego thing you’ve ever made, and throw it in the fire.

Look, I like you, but you’re going to have a rough run.  So here’s the plan: the first recess, on the first day, you walk out and you find the first kid smaller than you, then you walk up and punch him square in the face.  Then you don’t stop wailing on him until the yard lady has to pull you off.  That’ll send the message to everyone that, no matter how much of a turd you look like, you are not to be messed with.  Good luck, kid.  You’re ready for kindergarten.

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Posted by on Mar 12 2011. Filed under Humor, SMT Talk. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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