Midtown Musings: The day after the breakup

Midtown Musings, SacMidtown.com

Dec. 28, 9:06 p.m.: The day after a dude breaks up with a girl is way more sad than the day after a girl breaks up with a dude.

The girl who just got dumped is spread out over the coach in her sweats, guzzling a Big Gulp and pounding down Cheetos. She’s crying while watching Simpsons reruns because Bart won’t be nice to Lisa.

She calls her best friend and they cry together.

“He was such an asshole to you. What a jerk!”

With guys it’s different. Because every guy’s relationship starts the same. After the first date, he calls his boys about how he got some booty from that hot chick he met at the bar last week. And really, the whole relationship is an extension of that first date.

So the day after a dude gets dumped is a lot different.

He’s going to the bar with his boys the next day. Everyone is cheering and yelling, and his friends are all shouting, “I can’t believe you were tapping that for five months, man!”


Dec. 12, 2:37 p.m.: I just saw the fifth Beatle.

He was walking down Capitol and turned right on 19th. He was sucking down the final drags on his fag and had this ridiculous Ringo Starr-meets-an-Oopla-Loompa bowl cut when he approached this older black woman sitting at the bus stop.

“You look like one of the Beatles,” she shouts at him, getting off her bench.

The guy seemed a little frightened and a lot embarrassed. He engaged her for a minute, playing the role of a Beatle and using a English accent — I could actually tell that he’d been practicing his John Lennon impression.

Then the woman starts telling him about how she loved watching them on the television when she was a kid — of course, mop-head over here was born in ‘82 (two tears after Lennon died) and all he knows about the Beatles are the records his dad left behind and the 697 songs he downloaded over the last month on iTunes.

As this guy is almost literally running away from this woman, she starts screaming “Yesterday! Yesterday!” at him. As he turns the corner down N Street, I can hear him start to belt out the opening lines to “Yesterday” as he tossed his fag into the gutter.

Hopefully he gets a heavy dose of crying tonight.

Dec. 3, 8:39 p.m.: So, last week I took a stroll to Buckhorn Grill (18th and L), and was surprised to find that they don’t serve mac ‘n’ cheese — an odd choice because nothing goes better with great tri-tip than baked mac ‘n’ cheese. So I told the cashier what a travesty it was that they didn’t serve mac ‘n’ cheese.

Tonight, I took a second stroll to said Grill, expecting to get a Side of Disappointment cleverly disguised as mashed potatoes. However, this time, proudly displayed on the billboard menu was mac ‘n’ cheese.

I’ve always said, ordinary people are capable of extraordinary things.

My next mission: Salsa bar at Chipotle. What are they afraid of? If anyone tries to steal the free salsa I’m sure the 10 cops at the next table will intervene.

Nov. 17, 9:07 p.m.: And now for another installment of “Our Tweeting Founding Fathers”: @KiteRunner26 Hey Benny, let’s pound a few Four Lokos and hit up the rager Jefferson is throwing at Monticello. Party on, dude!

Nov. 16, 10:12 p.m.: And now for another installment of “Our Tweeting Founding Fathers”: @MrIndependent1776 Hey George, just saw your statue while walking to Trader Joe’s. Couldn’t help but think of the time we snorted coke off Franklin’s kite. …

Nov. 16, 10:07 p.m.: I can’t stand when people say they “don’t want any drama” in their life. Life, when lived correctly, is drama-filled. The only way to escape drama in your life is to not have any strong opinions, not to have any true friendship, and not to have any sex. …

Nov. 15, 10:45 p.m.: You shouldn’t watch broadcasting funded by “viewers like you” while high, for the same reason you don’t go grocery shopping high — everything looks delicious and you buy it all. This “Germans in America” documentary is good enough sober; add weed to the mix and I might just pay for the director’s mortgage. On the other hand, I’d get a sweet tote bag out of the deal. …

Apparently “viewers Like You” love SWAG. …

Oct. 29, 10 p.m.: Each morning, hot chicks across Midtown make their pilgrimage past my apartment en route to this Zuda Yoga. It’s like Woodstock, except switch LSD with Doubleshot Espressos and Hendrix guitar solos with Bieber Fever.It’s a religious experience of some sort. Only instead of bowing to the east, these women do the downward dog to a personal trainer who’s trying to hide himself in his sweatsuit. …

Attention urban developers: Not every Midtown project needs to bring more loft units. That is, unless your master plan includes a magical way to berth 30-year-old yuppies. …

Frozen yogurt shops are the hipster equivalent to Al-Qaeda training camps. Young impressionable douches-in-training flock to these yogurt parlors with their WiFi connections and skinny jeans, hoping to gain acceptance at the local coffee lounge. …

A fire Thursday at the Roseville Galleria left fathers distraught, not knowing where their daughters would spend all their hard-earned money on shoes and handbags. …

Want to know who’s excited about the NFL cracking down on violent hits? The UFL. Want to watch a receiver get decapitated by a 230-pound safety this weekend? Watch the Sacramento Mountain Lions take on the Hartford Colonials. …

A lot of people are downloading a new Facebook app that tracks who’s viewing your profile, called Profile Creeps. Or, as it’s known among men, Let’s See If Any Hot Chicks Are Looking At My Profile. …

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Posted by on Mar 8 2011. Filed under Humor, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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