Of Course I’m not Picking up Dog Poop

By Cory Hunt, SacMidtown.com

Sparky, time for a walk!

I can see you’ve really got to take a dump, but I want to make sure you don’t crap anywhere near my house, so I’m just going to drag you along while you’re trying to squat.  It’s really a win-win, because all this dragging eliminates the need to clip your nails.  Just wait until we get around the corner and you can go.

This busy sidewalk looks like a good place, so why don’t you start doing your business?  There we go.  Nobody likes a neat pile, so make sure to walk around to spread as many dog links as possible across the sidewalk.  I’ll yank you around a little before you’re finished to make sure there are at least three land mines here.

What’s your problem buddy?  You want me to pick it up?  That’s disgusting!

You realize that just came out of Sparky’s ass, right?  I actually tried to pick it up one time, just to see what all the hype was about, but it was terrible.  Touching hot turds through plastic is about as fun as having a cigarette put out in your eye; I don’t get why so many people are doing it.  You might be the type of person who thinks molding dog poop into a snowman is fun, but that’s not for me…sicko.

Dude, nobody is going to step in it.

I made sure Sparky went all over the sidewalk for a reason: to make it as visible as possible, so that anybody paying any kind of attention will keep their shoes clean.  I’m a courteous guy.  If you’re texting and walking, you deserve crap on your shoes.

Also, sidewalks were designed with curbs for this very reason; city designers knew that sidewalks are the perfect place for dogs to relieve themselves, and that’s why they have curbs, so you can easily wipe your shoes off on them.

Besides, it’s good for the environment.  I’m fertilizing the ground, so that maybe a rose will grow from this crack in the sidewalk like in that poem or something.  Also, I’m cutting back significantly on plastic bag use.  You may be willing to ruin the Earth to keep from getting poop on your shoes, but not me.

That’s right, walk away.  What a jerk.  Some guy telling me how to deal with my dog’s crap; this isn’t some Communist regime, this is the USA!  I’ll leave it there for people to step in if I want to!

Come on Sparky, let’s go back to the apartment and watch Two and a Half Men.

Short URL: http://sacmidtown.com/?p=1463

Posted by on Nov 29 2010. Filed under Humor, SMT Talk. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

Comments are closed

Story Streams

Sac Midtown is brought to you in part by ABIS Employee Benefits. Contact them today at (916) 568-1879 for a free medical insurance analysis.