Identifying People Species: The Gym

By Cory Hunt,

The many types of species at the gym ….

Naked Locker Room Man a.k.a. Grandpa Streak

Physical Characteristics- Obviously, Grandpa Streak is naked.  Sometimes, he’ll wear a tee shirt, but he refuses to obscure his genitalia with any kind of towel, undergarment or small hat.  Normally, this majestic creature is covered in gray hair and strange wrinkles.  Often, his belly will so large that the only parts of his lower half that are visible to him are his toes and his extremely low hanging testicles.

Behavior- Grandpa Streak’s main goal is to make others in the locker room extremely uncomfortable.  To achieve this goal, he finds strangers sitting on locker room benches, tying their shoes or getting something out of their locker, and points his genitalia directly at their nose or mouth, then asks a question about local sports, the weather or starts complaining about young people.

At this point, the victim will turn and observe the troubling scene, but cannot panic.  The victim will firmly affix his eyes into those of Grandpa Streak and make a hasty exit, while attempting to avoid any physical contact with him or his genitalia.  This cycle will continue to repeat with a number of victims until it’s time for Grandpa Streak to play Bridge.

Habitat- Grandpa Streak doesn’t come to the gym to work out, only to nakedly patrol the locker room.  He can typically be found wandering from locker to locker, looking for unsuspecting bench sitters, but will also occasionally be found in the showers.  If you do have a report of him showering, the best place to find him afterwards is in front of the hand dryers, towel around his neck, with weird old man parts flopping everywhere.

Grunter a.k.a. The Beast

Physical Characteristics- The Beast looks like a character out of some post-apocalyptic movie or the bully from The Nerds movies.  He only wears bodybuilding tank tops or cut off tee shirts because sleeves are his sworn enemy.

Behavior- The Beast is incapable of lifting weights quietly, so he must scream every time he does a rep, causing everyone in the gym to look at him and be impressed with amount of weight he is putting up.  When spotting, he repeatedly calls his spottee “brother,” while telling the spottee “You got this! One more!”  The Beast is all business at the gym, so there’s no socializing unless it’s discussion of exercises, protein shakes or the circumference of his biceps.

Habitat- Free weights, bitch.

Smelly Guy a.k.a. Stench

Physical Characteristics- Stench normally wears a tank top, to ensure that there are no barriers between his armpits and the rest of the gym.  His shorts tend to be inappropriately short, so that his gas can escape directly into the environment.  Also, if you squint, you can see those Pig Pen cartoon smelly lines coming off of him.

Behavior- Stench takes his time at the gym to show off his lack of personal hygiene.  He wants to let everyone know what a “real man” smells like.   I’ll give away the surprise: real men smell like body odor and farts.

While a normal human would try and steer clear of people when smelling so terribly, Stench embraces it.  If you’re working out on a machine, he will come up far too close and ask you “Mind if I work in?”

You’ll be tempted to take in a deep breath, just to experience the full measure of his overpowering scent, but I warn against it.  You don’t want to wake up in the locker room with Grandpa Streak trying to bring you to your senses.

Habitat- In your personal space.

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Posted by on Oct 28 2010. Filed under Health and Fitness, Humor, SMT Talk. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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