The Boy Wonder Gets Fired

By Cory Hunt, SacMidTown.com

Dear Robin,

The time has come to end our professional relationship.

In large part, I blame myself for this.  I have no idea what I was thinking when I chose a 10-year-old orphan with no superpowers as my sidekick.  It was, quite possibly, the biggest mistake of my crime fighting career.  My justification for it was that your parents were acrobats, but, in hindsight, I realize that doing glorified gymnastics has absolutely nothing to do with fighting crime.  If The Joker were somehow responsible for me making such a stupid decision, it would be his most successful ruse of all time.

Ten-year-olds can barely keep themselves from wetting the bed, and somehow, I thought it was a good idea to put you up against the greatest super villains Gotham City has ever seen.  Your legs are so short that you’d lose a footrace to The Penguin, the only thing you could beat The Joker at is Pokemon, and there’s no way you’re going to be able to figure out The Riddler’s word puzzles when you can’t even do long division.  I should have thought this through before making myself the laughing stock of The Justice League.

I know I can’t really blame you for being young, but you are the worst sidekick ever in so many ways.

For example, your superhero name is Robin, which is either after a Winnie the Pooh character or the wimpiest bird known to man.  I don’t know which is worse.  That kid from Winnie the Pooh would lose to Piglet in a fight, but you do realize that cats kill robins every single day, right? Cats…those things Catwoman, our hottest enemy, is named after.  Not exactly intimidating.

Then, to make it worse, you add the “Boy Wonder” thing to it, which makes everyone think I’m some kind of pervert.  I swear, every time I go to the Batcave, I’m afraid Chris Hansen is going to be waiting for me.  I don’t want to have to justify the innocence of every Bat Gadget on To Catch A Predator.

Also, who told you that outfit was a good idea?  You dress like you live at the North Pole.  Santa’s elves would be embarrassed if they had to wear as much red and green as you do.  I wear all black because I don’t want people to know I’m coming, but you ruin that when you’re prancing along beside me looking like some sort of neon jackass.

Anyways, I guess that’s it.  I would tell you to come get your things, but I already burned the outfit and I just let you borrow everything else.

Actually, you know how you did that drawing of us and I told you it was really good and I put it on the fridge?  Well, it sucks.  You can come over and get that if you want.  This is it for us.

– Batman

P.S. I really hope kids your age can read or this has been a complete waste of time.

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Posted by on Jun 18 2010. Filed under Humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.

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